Therapy Corner
Deep Hurts
Why they continue to make life miserable years later, and how one can get over them
The memories looked so hazy and yet so clear. The pain was real, although the incident was years and decades old. Monisha somehow could not get over the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that kept coming back every now and then. It was almost twenty-three years now. She was not even eight then, and a happy lively child. One day she was playing in their sprawling house with her cousin who much older than her. In her innocent childlike way she was running around with him, catching him, jostling him. When they reached a remote corner of their house, he suddenly encircled her. He put his mouth to her face and tried to kiss her, holding her tight and uncomfortable all the time.
The shock of what was happening to her took a few seconds to register. For some time she went numb and could not resist. Finally she gained courage, with all her strength peeled off his hands that were now groping all over her body, and pushed him with as much strength as she could muster. She knew what he was doing was bad, very bad. But she did not know what it was. She was scared, and at the same time a bit guilty. She kept away from him the rest of the day, a thousand thoughts flooding her innocent mind in a haze. She was desperately waiting for bed time. She went to bed and was wide awake; pretending to be asleep until her mother came to join her. When her mother came to bed, she could not control her tears, and they came out in a torrent. Her body shook with her sobs, as her mother, concerned and puzzled, gathered her up in her arms and held her close.
After a long time she could control herself enough to be able to talk to her mother. In one flow the whole episode came out. She felt relieved for a moment, and was sure that now her mother will protect her. Imagine her shock the next moment when her mother held her strongly and started admonishing her. “You are a dirty girl” she hissed “why do you get into situations like this? Don’t complain unnecessarily. You are only interested in playing and enjoying yourself. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” Monisha could not believe her ears. She had no answers. This shock was far greater than what she had endured earlier in the day. When her mother finished scolding her, she quietly turned around and pretended to go to sleep, but she remembers that she cried endlessly until sheer fatigue took her into a disturbed slumber.
The hurt of her mother’s accusations and scolding just would not go away. Life has not been the same any more. She could neither relate to her mother, nor to anyone else in the family as she used to do earlier. She went ahead with life, but more like a zombie. She excelled in studies, kept up her social interactions, participated in group activities, got absorbed in painting. But life was just not the same as before. Monisha had a deep hurt within her. It had left a permanent scar. She could not talk to anyone about it, because she loved her mother, and somewhere deep down she had a feeling of guilt whether she herself was responsible for what happened to her. At the same time she could not shake it off. Now she was thirty two years old, with an understanding but very busy husband, two lovely little children, a comfortable house ... and a deep void within her heart.
Deep hurts are due to a sense of denied justice, particularly from those whom we love and trust most. They cannot be compensated or balanced by other good things happening to us. Sometimes we ourselves do not know what hurts us most, at times we are caught unawares in our sense of complacency.
It is said that time is the greatest healer. Unfortunately for deep hurts it is not always true. The greater the sensitivity of a person, the more the hurt is likely to keep paining. The closer the relationship with the person who caused the hurt, the more the misery. At times the hurt may be so bad that the mind pushes it down into the unconscious mind. But the pain is only buried alive, to surface later, or to just go on hurting from within.
Unresolved deep hurts can result in psycho-somatic illness (aches and pains that have no organic cause – particularly ulcers, neck and back pain, migraines, etc.). They can also lead to bad interpersonal relations (repeated anger towards children, suspicion against the spouse), sense of denied justice in life in general (“no one cares for me, everyone is happy except me”), long bouts of depression (not wanting to make friends or enjoy oneself), or personality disorders. Behavioral scientists have identified a state known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that can cripple a person emotionally, and become almost permanent if not dealt with and resolved.
Resolving Deep Hurts
- The first step would be an awareness that you have a feeling of deep hurt that is not going away. Acceptance of your feelings is a vital pre-requisite.
- Talking it over with someone confidential and trustworthy, who will listen with empathy and not pass judgment (and definitely NOT give advice).
- Get a thorough medical check-up done to ensure that there has been no damage to the body due to continued stress.
- List out other good things that have happened in your life, and accept that life has both ups and downs.
- Try to relive the painful incident, preferably with a trusted friend or counsellor, and rationalize why it happened, what were the intentions of the person who hurt you.
- Try and forgive the oppressor, not to condone the bad deed, but to free yourself from any emotional control he may have over you today.
- Get involved in activities that give you pleasure and satisfaction. Give yourself small rewards and bolster your self esteem.
Remember that you owe it to yourself and your near and dear, to resolve the issues that have been hurting you for a long time. There will be a significant improvement in your quality of life, and others will also find themselves happier being close to you.
Emotional Healing
Emotional wounds are very much like physical hurts. There are some superficial wounds that just heal with time, while others are so deep that they can go on causing pain for a long time, sometimes even life-long. Neglect of emotional hurts can make matters worse, cause further damage, lead to complications, and even become chronic wounds. For deep emotional hurts, first aid is very important to begin the process of healing. And as in physical First-aid, one does not need a doctor or a professional's help. Any one of us can do it. Giving support and understanding is like rubbing a soothing balm on a physical wound. And if emotional healing takes place, then the mind can even command the body to heal itself. Time and again it has been proven that the mind-body connection is so strong that even the worst medical ailments can have accelerated healing if the mind is positive.
To help a person go through emotional healing, here are some practical tips:
- Break ice gently by proper introduction, greeting and smile
- Identify what is causing the hurt and emotional trauma
- Show concern and gently touch upon the areas where the feelings are hurt
- Avoid asking too many direct questions if the person is uncomfortable
- Make empathic statements that you understand the feelings. This usually makes the person open out on his own. Keep your curiosity in check.
- Let the conversation flow at an easy and comfortable pace. Do not "push" a person towards action or recovery when he is not ready. Let him control the progress
- Give positive strokes, compliments, appreciate good qualities or action
- Express your availability to the person, indicating, "I am there for you." (it is like many of us like to keep "Tiger Balm" or equivalent by our bedside, it is so reassuring)
- Provide the right ambience and security for the person to talk and share
- Be non-judgmental, do not criticize the person for any act of his
- Wherever socially acceptable, use touch, or go close
- Where there is no "solution" to the cause of the emotional distress, help the person come to a level of acceptance. Only then can he move on
- Encourage the person to engage his mind in some activities
- Refrain from giving the examples of others who went through similar experiences
Keep in mind that
there are no medicines to heal the mind, there are no pain-killers for emotional pain, and there are no diagnostic tools to measure the intensity of hurt. Hence the human touch is the best balm.
Stress is cumulative. People who undergo repeated emotional trauma (even after long gaps) start losing their ability to heal and bounce back. Such people need gentle handling, and a healing of many past issues that may still be hurting. Do not get complacent when a person "appears" to have become normal. Many times people mask their sorrows, and will open out very selectively, and only when they are assured of unconditional support, understanding, and confidentiality.
Dealing With Insomnia
Here are some steps to bring back your natural sleep. You may succeed in doing some, and not succeed in others. But do try each one of them (and for many days at a stretch):
1. Establish a desired bedtime and wake time (even if sleep does not come).
2. Every day do some physical activity involving whole body, till you feel the physical tiredness and increase in heart-rate.
3. Have your last meal at least two hours before bedtime, and avoid rich or heavy food. If you feel hungry later, have a very light snack (or liquid) before going to bed.
4. Give a 15 minute gap after dinner and go for a leisurely stroll in a quiet area (if not possible, then on the terrace or backyard).
5. Plan a sedentary evening routine one hour before the desired bedtime. Avoid tea, coffee colas and any other addictive substance or activity. Have a relaxed chat with someone you like. Do not watch highly stimulating or violent TV programs.
6. Do not use the bed or bedroom for any activity other than sleep – except for sex. A light massage can be very useful to relax muscles if someone can do it for you.
7. Ensure that your bed is soft but firm, pillow is at right height, bedsheet or blanket appropriate to weather, and freedom from the “mmmm…….” of mosquitoes. It is also said that light blue or violet colours of night-clothes, bedsheets and walls are conducive to sleep.
8. Use regular pre-sleep routines to associate with bedtime: brush teeth, set the alarm, etc. Do pre-sleep routines the same way every night. Avoid group discussions, animated conversations at night, and definitely avoid arguments.
9. Go to bed at the fixed time, and see that there are no bright lights or loud sounds around. Turn out the bedroom lights as soon as you get into bed. Assume your preferred sleep position, and start relaxing each part of your body.
10. If sleep does not come within 10-20 minutes, get up and go into a separate room, or another part of the same room. Occupy yourself with some non-stimulating activity and relaxation exercises until you feel drowsy. Then return to bed quickly. Try out creative visualization (traditionally known as “counting the sheep”)
11. If still not asleep after a brief time, try out one or more of the following: Light and positive books (even story books or comics), soft music (which can switch off by itself after some time), or slowly chanting your favourite mantra. Never take any sleeping tablet unless prescribed by your doctor.
12. Do not take a nap during the day, except for a short period if you are very tired (by setting an alarm to get up within 15-20 min). Do not sleep late in the morning to compensate lack of sleep. At a fixed time get up, open the curtains, go out in morning sunlight. Plan your sleep schedule in multiples of 1-1/2 hours (e.g. 6, 7-1/2, 9 hours).
13. Remind yourself that it is not
necessary that you have to sleep for many hours each night. As long as your mind and body are getting relaxation, it is okay.
14. Despite trying out all the above, when it is bed-time and you are getting afraid you may not get sleep, one day try out the technique of telling yourself that you need to keep awake, and that you will NOT allow sleep to overcome you. Actually make efforts to keep awake, and see how your body reacts. Go to bed only when you are actually feeling very drowsy.
Check out if there are any specific causes for your insomnia:
Medical factors like breathing blocks, weakness of bladder, persisting pain.
Very sedentary life style with no exercise.
Psychological factors like anxiety, depression, phobia.
Stress could be a reason for your insomnia. Check out your stress levels, and get down to some stress reduction techniques.
Physical discomfort, unusual setting, noise or light disturbances
As a college student long ago I had read My Experiments with Truth, the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi. I adored him and his qualities, but could not learn much from the book. This year I read it again. My respect for the great soul went up higher, because now I could see him as a simple, struggling, confused and exploring human being. Yet I could learn so much from his ‘experiments’, including the fact that he mentioned he should not be writing his autobiography while he is alive, because putting down his thoughts in writing will prevent him from changing his thinking or approach later.
Yet, he constantly changed his attitude. From being an ardent admirer of the British Raj, to becoming its greatest nemesis; hiding from his father and eating mutton to becoming such a staunch vegetarian that he declined to drink milk (one of the first vegans I suppose!). The beauty is that he never hesitated in admitting all his mistakes, page after page in his elaborate book. Nowhere do we see a hint of self-praise, or description of achievements, from the pen of a person who the whole world recognized as a ‘Mahatma’.
Lieutenant Colonel Krishna Iyer did not see the dawn of 2013. Before the rising sun could reach the window of the Geriatric Ward of CSI hospital where he lay, at 6 a.m. on the 1st of January he quietly passed away. There were no military salutes or funeral processions. A few of his most beloved friends took over the last rites while the nurses of the hospital, who had become deeply attached to him, shed quiet tears.
Heard this proverb number of times, isn’t it? You were also advised by elders that you should learn to adapt to change, and you did keep trying. But now the scenario is completely different. The time has come, not to ADAPT to change, but to ANTICIPATE the change that is likely to occur in the near and far future.